AD\ ERTISING FOR A 
HUSBAND 

511 farce in #ue act 



CHARLES S. BIRD 



Copyright, 191 i, by Samuel French 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBTJSHER 

28-80 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



(p^ 



A 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 



Cbaractera. 

Colonel Backup — (Who wants a rich son-in law). 
Tom Trask— (Who wants Kitty Backup). 
Wallie Watkins — (A friend in need), 
Kitty Backup— (Who wants Tom Trask). 
Katy Brayton — (Kitty's chum). 

Modern Costumes. 

Runs about fifty. 

This Farce should move quickly. 



TMP92-008659 



g)CI.D 2S109 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 



^>CEN"E : — A nicely furnished room, in the home of 
Colonel BackuP;, a table l. with telephone, 
hooTcs, etc. Large screen hack r. c. A few easy- 
chairs about stage. 

(Colonel Backup^ and Kitty, discovered at rising 
of curtain, Kitty in tears.) 

Colonel. It's no use for you to cry and go on in 
this way, my dear, I have told you it is impossible; 
and my word is law, — LAW, do you understand? 

Kitty. But, papa, T-Tom and I are s-so fond 
of each other, and I d-don't see how you can be so 
c-cruel as to s-say we can't be m-married. 

Colonel. Fond of each other, fiddlesticks ! What 
has til at got to do with marriage? You will marry 
the man T choose for you and 

Kitty, (stamping foot) I will m-marry T-Tom, 
or I'll go and live in an old m-maid's h-home. 

Colonel. Tut, tut. don't tell me what you'll do, 
do you think that T will permit you to throw yourself 
awav on an imnecunious young bank clerk? 

Kitty. You needn't call Tom such names as 
that, anyway, and besides he's awfully smart, and 
he's bound to rise in his profession. 

Colonel. I don't know, and what's more I don't 
care anything about his profession, but he'll " rise " 
all right if I catch him browsing 'round here. Now 
listen to reason, why, see here, Kitty, what you want 
is a man of wealth, you want to marry a man with 
money. 



4 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

Kitty. Xo, I don't ! I want to marrv Tom 
Trask. 

Colonel. Oh, you'll get over that. Xow you 
listen to me. I have taken this matter in hand, and 
I've got a great scheme to get you married and 
liappily settled in life. 

Kitty. With Tom? 

Colonel. Xo, young lady, not with Toiu. 

Kittys Who then? 

Colonel. Ahem^ er — well, I do not know exactly 
who it is yet. 

Kitty. Why, the idea, do you think ? 

Colonel. Think? of course I think, I think T 
know what is best for you, and so yesterday I had an 
advertisement inserted in the Matrimonial Gazette. 
which I think will settle the matter. 

Kitty. An advertisement? what for? 

Colonel. Why, for a husband for you, of course. 
{looking at watch) Ha ! it's about time for the paper 
to be out, I'll run out to the news-stand and get one. 
(taking up hat) Now mind, (going to door) no let- 
ter writing, or any other foolishness, remember my 
word is law, LAW, do you understand? (Exit c. d.) 

Kitty, (indignant) Well, who ever heard of 
such a preposterous idea? Advertising for a hus- 
band ! and for m e. I don't care though, I won't 
marry him, no I WON'T, so there, I don't care if 
he is as rich as — as, oh, I don't see how papa can be 
so cruel, when I could be so happy if he would only 
consent t-to my m-marrying T-Tom. (drops into 
chair, covers face vnth handkerchief and weeps) 

(Enter Tom c. d. sees Kitty crying, — looks all 
around to make sure he is not observed, — comes 
doiun — kneels beside Kitty — puts arm around 
her — she does not look up, hut lets her head fall 
on his shoulder — still weeping. 

Tom. There, there, little one, what is it? Tell its 
own Tommy. 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 5 

Kitty, Uh — uh — uh ! 

Tom. Yriiat is it^ dear? tell me. 

Kitty. Oh, T-Tom, Papa says we can't be m- 
married. 

To:\i. {jinn ping up) What? 

Kitty. Yes, and he says if you come around here 
any more he'll make you rise, and he's gone and put 
an advertisement in the p-paper. 

Tom. He has? What for, a balloon? 

Kitty, ^-no, for a husband. 

Tom. Kitty, what in the dickens are you talking 
about, what does he want with a husband? 

Kittys Oh, he don't want one. He wants him 
for somebody else. 

Tom. Oh, is that it ? for whom ? 

Kitty. A\^iy, can't you guess? 

Tom. No, I'm blessed if I can. 

Kitty. Why, how stupid you are, he wants him 
for me. 

Tom. The deuce he does. 

Kittys He says, I am to marry a man with 
money ; oh, dear, what can we do ? 

Tom. He does, eh ? Why the old 

Kitty. Tom ! 

Tom. Er — 1 was about to say, the old gentleman 
must be crazy, but don't you cry, dear, we'll find some 
way out of it. 

KiTTY\ Oh, I wish we could, but he is so deter- 
mined, and so unreasonable. 

ToM- Well, he'll find I'm as determined as he is. 
Did you say he has advertised for a husband for you ? 

Kitty. Yes, that is what he said. 

Tom. What in? 

Kitty. In the Matrimonial Gazette. 

Tom. H'm, let me see. 

Kitty. Oh, Tom, can you think of anything? 

Tom. Yes, dear, by jove I can. Say, Kitty, you've 
heard me speak of my old friend, Wallie Watkins, 
haven't you? 



f5 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

Kitty. Yes, the one you knew at college. 

Tom. Yes, well, Wallie has just come up to town 
for a little visit, and he wants me to help him enjoy 
himself for a few days. How will it do if I get him 
to answer this advertisement — palm himself off on tl-c 
Colonel as a man of wealth in search of a pretty wife, 
and then at the psychological moment expose him, — 
win your father's gratitude — and when he sees from 
what I have saved you both, — he consents to ouv 
marriage, and all ends happily. What do you think 
of it, eh ? 

Kitty. Oh, it's a splendid idea, but will your 
friend do it? 

Tom. Do it? Ha, ha, 1 forgot, you do not know 
Wallie, do you? you'll see, Wallie's always ready for 
any kind of a lark, I tell you. Kitty, its a great scheme. 
Hei^e, I'll call him up right now — {goes to phone) 
Hello— Hello— Bedford Hotel please,— that the Bed- 
ford? — all right, — is Mr. Watkins there? — he is? 
good, kindly ask liim to come to the phone. — Hullo, 
that you, Wallie? — yes, Totu. Say. Wallie, listen. 
You know what I told you last night about Miss — er 
— well you know? — yes, — well the Colonel is opposed, 
says he is going to have a man of wealth for a son- 
in-law, yes, ha, ha, he has advertised for a husband for 
her, yes, that's right, — in the Matrimonial Gazette. 
Xow T want you to help us out in this affair, — answer 
the ad. make believe you are a man of wealth you 
know, — sure, you can do it. You will? good boy. 
Wallie, — No. 78 Prospect Terrace, yes, — ^you bet, I'll 
do the rest. Oh, yes, I'll meet you, — good-bye. Say, 
Kittie, its gi'eat, I'll go down and meet Wallie, and 
we'll map out a plan of campaign. 

Kitty. Oh, Tom, I hope it will work. 

To:\r. Work? It's r/of to work. (kisses her) 
(xood-bye, dear, trust to me. 

Kitty. Good-bye, dear, {goes to door with him) 

{Exit Tom, c. d.) 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 7 

Kitty. Isn't he smart? I just knew he woiihi 
find some way. Now 1^11 call up Katy, and tell her 
to run up here, and we will have a little rehearsal 
for our play to-morrow night, (goes to phone) 
Hullo, — ^give me 7-8-10. East, please, — yes, — Hullo, 
that you, Katy? — yes, Kitty, say, can you come 
up and go over our parts for the play? yes. now. 
All right, bring your cap and apron along. Good- 
bye. Oh, it's such fun rehearsing for a play, 
especially when one has the Star part. I know my 
lines perfectly too, that is, all but that place on page 
twenty-nine, let me see, how does that go? It's where 
the mistress says — {ti'agically) Begone ! false, faith- 
less creature, I have long suspected that you were 
trying to come between my lover and myself, and at 
last you stand revealed before me in your true colors. 
Out of my sight this instant! — {wildly) Avaunt I 
{grahs sofa pillow and hurls it toivard door c. 
Colonel Backup — returning with paper receives the 
pillow square in the face, and is howled over. Kitty 
falls into a chair and pretends to have hysterics) 

Colonel, {in alarm) Wow! Great Scott I 
What does this mean? {picking himself up) Has 
Kitty gone crazy? Maybe her disappointment over 
that confounded bank clerk has gone to her head. 
(goes over and kneels beside her) My child, my 
poor, poor child, what is it, what has happened ? Tell 
your loving father I implore you. Can't you speak 
to me? 

Kitty, {jumping up and clapping her hands, 
ivhile the Colonel startled, falls over backivard) 
Oh, papa, that was fine, splendid, that's just the way 
it happens in the play. 

Colonel, {rising and brushing off his clothes) 
U-mm — confound the play, I hope that when you get 
married, young woman, you'll get some of this non- 
sensical play business out of your head. 

Kitty, {slowly and sadly) '' Alas, my dear 
father, I shall never marry. No, wedded bliss can 



,S ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

never be imine. T shall take the veil, and in the 
seclusion of the gloomy cloister, weep out the few 
remaining years of a " 

Colonel. STOP IT ! I say, cut it out, here— 
[opening paper) listen to this, it will give you some- 
thing better to think of. {reads) " A gentleman 
of high and honorable military rank — Ahem — aristo- 
cratic connections, and untarnished family name, 
desires a man of wealth for a son-in-law. For further 
particulars inquiry of Colonel Backup. Prospect 
Terrace. City." There, what do you think of that ? 

Kitty. Why, father, it sounds just like a play. 

Colonel. Bosh ! you'll find there is no play 
about this, this is business, young lady, BUSIN"ESS, 
and 1 have an idea that it will bring good results — 
lealities, that's what we want in this life, not any 
make believe ; ah, my dear, I can see you now, with 
your country home, house in town, box at the Opera, 
motor cars, and all that. Hey? haven't you got a 
model father to do all this for you ? 

Kitty. Why, papa dear, wouldn't that all be 
lovely? 

Colonel, {pleased — aside) I thought that would 
fetch her, leave a woman alone when it comes to the 
allurements of wealth. 

Kitty. T am going out for a little while, papa, 
and if Katy Brayton comes in while I am out you'll 
entertain her real nicely, won't you? 

Colonel. Why, of course, my dear, and — ahem, I 
want to say. that it gives me much pleasure to see 
that you have come around to my way of thinking in 
I'egard to your — er — marriage. 

Kitty. Oh, as to that, I know how well you mean, 
papa, and I hope ever3^thing will come out for the 
best. 

Colonel. Why, of course — of course it will. 
That's a good little girl, {hisses her) 

Kitty, {going — aside) Oh ! If Tom's plan only 
works. 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 9 

{Exit R. U. E.) 

CoLOXEL. (rubbing his hands) Aha ! Nothing 
like a firm will in these matters, let your family know 
your will is law, and that settles it every time. But 
she said that Katy Brayton was comJng here, didn't 
she? Why, to be sure she did. Gad — wonder if I 
am to have the luck of a little time alone with the 
divine Katy? Charming prospect, (ivinhs) Kitty 
does not suspect my very tender sentiments in regard 
to her friend, but if I can only get Kitty married 
well, and out of the way, then I will be free to devote 
inyself to Katy, and who can tell what may happen. 
(si7igs) "' In days of old, when knights were bold." 
(enter Katy Brayton, c. u.) Jerusalem! there she 
is now. (confused) Gad ! hope she did not overhear 
what I said. 

Katy. A\\, good afternoon. Colonel, you must be 
reeling particularly happy to-day. (Katy has a 
package in her hand) 

Colonel. Why — ei- — you heard? 

Katy. Ha, ha, I heard you carolling like a bird. 

Colonel, (-pattered) Why, as to that, I believe 
[ can sing some when I am in the mood. I think 1 
must have felt that you were coming in, and I hope 
you vrill j^ermit me to say, that you are looking as 
fresh and beautiful as a June rose to-day, or like a 
butterfly amona: the posies. 

Katy. My, my, what a flatterer you are in youi* 
old age. Colonel Backup, (laughing) 

Colonel, (aside — rath&r taken back) " Old 
age." Humph ! 

Katy. (looking around) But where is Kit? 

Colonel. Oh, she stepped out for a moment — 
back soon, said I was to entertain you until you re- 
turned. 

Katy. dear, I do hope she won't be gone long, I 
am just wild to go over my part in the play with 
her. See here. Colonel, (untying package) I have 



jQ ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

])rou,2:lit along my cap and apron which I am to wear 
a? the " Perfirlious Maid" to-morrow night, aren't 
they lovely? (holding tliem up) 

Colonel. " Lovely " ? Why, my dear, they are 
dreams, simply dreams. i\nd I am sure you will 
look charming with them on. 

Katy. {'pleased) Are you? 

Colonel, (effusively) How could I think any- 
thing else? Do you know, I am wonderfully in- 
terested in this play of yours. 

Katy. Oh, are you? That is very nice I am sure. 
Perhaps then you would like to hear me go over some 
of my lines, while I am waiting for Kit? 

Colonel. Certainly, certainly, I'd be delighted. 

Katy. All right then, here, you take the book 
(hands Colonel play hook) here's the place, — page 
29. That's the passage right there, that I am a little 
doubtful about, — it's where the mistress comes in and 
discovers the maid in the arms of the false lover. 
"N'ow I'll put these things on so the scene Avill be 
more realistic (putting on cap and apron) you know 
I might as well be getting used to them, — there, (de- 
77} urely) how do I look. Colonel ? 

Colonel. Eavishing, my dear, simply ravishing. 
Ah, it would be no wonder if 

Katy. Well, now we'll begin. — don't prompt me 
unless I look at you, — you read the top line — (point- 
ing) right there, (she looks over the Colonel's 
shonlder, he looks his admiration) 

Colonel. Ahem, shall I render it with — er — the 
true dramatic force? I used to be pretty good at 
this sort of thing in my younger — er — that is to say, 
not so very long ago. 

ELaty. Yes, of course, make it good and strong. 

Colonel, (reading) Ah! My darling, how 
little have you kno"^Ti what was in my heart all these 
months, — I love you. Uow I love you. 

Katy. (reciting) Dearest James, I cannot de- 
ceive you longer, and no longer will I permit you to 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND |-| 

deceive yourself. I have seen it all along, and if you 
really want me, take ine, I am all your own. 

Colonel. My darling. 

Katy. My own at last. Now that is where he 
puts his arms around her, is it not? 

Colonel. Let me see, {loohs at hook) Why, yes, 
so it is, ah — er — did you wish me — er — 

Katy. (with enthusiasm) Oh, why not go 
through it once, just as it is in the book, and when 
Kit comes in we'll surprise her with the scene. 

Colonel. Great! Great! (aside) Gad! trust 
me to make the most of this opportunity. 

Katty. Now we will go over it again, and you be 
ready to catch me when the time comes. 

Colonel, (putting hook in his pocket) All right, 
I guess T can remember that little bit without the 
book. — Now — "Ah! My darling, how little have you 
known what was in my heart all these months, — T 
love yon, how T love you ! 

(Wallie Watkins appears in c. d. He stops in 
astonishment at the scene hefore him. They do 
not see him.) 

Katy. Dearest James, I cannot deceive you lon- 
ger, and no longer will I permit you to deceive your- 
self. I have seen it all along, and if you really want 
me. take me, I am all your own. 

Colonel, (ivith fervor) My darling ! 

Katy. My own at last, (she falls into the Col- 
ONEi/s arms. — Tie attempts to kiss her, she catches 
sight of Wallie in door — screams, — runs off r. u. e.) 

Colonel, (looking after her in aMonishment) 
What in the ? 

Wallie, (coming down — coughs hehind his 
hand) Ahem. 

Colonel, (startled) The devil ! (recovers him- 
self — g7nhs Wallie^ — drags him down front) Ah — 
er — Ahem, young man, you see 



jO ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

Wallie. (imitating) Ah — er — Ahem, no, I'm 
blind. 

CoLOXEL. That is — I mean to say, you saw 

Wallie. Oli, you mean — (maJces motions of saw- 
ing wood) 

Colonel. No, T don't, I mean — did you see any- 
thing? 

Wallie. Why yes, I believe I did. now you men- 
tion it. 

Colonel, (aside) The deuce he did? 

Wallie. I saw-^ — 

Colonel, (anxioushj) WHAT? 

Wallie. Why, I believe I saw an uncommonly 
nice looking young woman. 

Colonel. But, nothing else? 

Wallie. no, nothing else, I assure you (aside) 
Whew ! That's a pretty fair one if T never tell an- 
other. Uncommon frisky old party, trying to kiss 
one of the maids. 

Colonel, (aside) I believe he's lying, but I'll 
put on a bold front, I have to get out of this some 
way — (to Wallie) Ahem, you are right, young man, 
she is a very pretty girl, you see she is practising 
theatricals, and I was assisting her with her part. 

Wallie. (coughing rather dnhiovsly) Ahem. 

Colonel. Yes, and we had just got to a — er — 
very interesting part, and 

Wallie. And 

Colonel, (aside) Confound his impudence. 

Wallie. And your maid was about to 

Colonel. My what? 

Wallie. Why, your maid. 

Colonel, (aside) Thunder, he must have 
thought she ivas a maid, with her apron and all that, 
— Whew I this won't do at all (to Wallie) no, 
you are mistaken, she was my daughter — ^made up 
for her part in the play, that's all. 

Wallie. Oh, is that all? 

Colonel, (much relieved) Of course. 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND i^ 

Wallie. (aside) I wonder who's lying now, 
however, if she is his daughter I don't blame Tom for 
his infatuation. But he wanted me to help him ont in 
this affair, and in this case I think I shall enjoy play- 
ing the lover right up to the handle. 

Colonel, (aside) Now I happen to think of it, 
I wonder who this young chap is, and what he wants. 
(to Wallie) Er — by the way, my young friend, you 
perhaps wanted to see ? 

Wallie. yes, pray pardon me, sir, but do you 
happen by any chance to be Colonel — er — Backup ? 

CoLOXEL. I am the Colonel, sir, at your service. 

Wallie. (taking paper from his pocket) Is this 
your advertisement ? 

Colonel, (startled) Why — yes, (aside) The 
deuce ! 

Wallie. Well, Colonel, I have called to see you 
in regard to it, — there is my card. 

Colonel, (reading card) Mr. Augustus Bigpile. 

Wallie. (h owing) The same, sir, at your ser- 
vice. 

Colonel, (aside) Jerusalem! here's a go, 
what'll I do ? — (looks at card again) Bigpile. Why ! 
he must be one of the Bigpiles of the " Clothespin 
trust." Just the man for Kitty. But how in the 
deuce will I square this other matter? Ah, I have 
it, I'll tell him it was all a joke, then I'll find some 
way to explain the whole thing to him later, (turns 
to Wallie) Ah! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (Wallie jumps) 

Wallie. (indignantly) Well, sir, perhaps you 
will be kind enough to tell me what you see in my 
name to laugh at? 

Colonel, (laughing harder) Oh, it was not that, 
my dear Mr. Bigpile. I was laughing at what you 
and I were talking about a while ago. You see it 
was all a joke, ha, ha ! 

Wallie. (perplexed) Oh, was it? 

Colonel. Yes, you see, the young lady you saw 
was playing a part. She tvas my daughter, but at the 



f4 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND 

same time she was not my daughter. Yon under- 
stand ? 

Wallie. Why, no; I^m probably a trifle dull, but 
to tell the truth I seem to fail to gi'asp your mean- 
ing. 

Colonel, ^^^ly, my dear sir. it's as clear as day- 
light. She was, and she wasn't, catch the idea ? ha, 
ha! 

Wallie. (miniiching) Ha, ha! Oh, she ivns, and 
she wasn't. 

Colonel, (delighted) That's it. you've got it 
now. 

Wallie. (aside) I wonder what it's like? 

Colonel. Good joke, eh? ha, ha! 

Wallie. Ha, ha ! capital. Colonel, capital, you 
fnean perhaps that she was not the maid, but at the 
^ame time. she was the maid. (wi7i'king) 

Colonel, (hastily) No, no, T don't, I mean — 
(aside) hang it all what do I mean anyhow? 

Kitty, (calling off r.) Pa — pa. 

Colonel, (aside) The deuce ! there's Tvitty, she 
mustn't see him yet. (to Wallie) May I ask you 
to step into the library a moment, Mr. Bigpile. I'll 
be with you in a moment, (pushes him off l.) now 
to prepare Kitty for the introduction. { Enter Kitty 

R.) 

Kitty. Back aaain. ])a])a, hasn't Katv been here 
yet? 

Colonel. Katy ? Oh no, I think not. 

Kitty, (seeing Katy's hat) Why, what do you 
mean ? here are her things now. 

Colonel. ^\Tiy, sure enough, there they are. 
Guess she must have come in while I was in the 
other room. But, Kitty, I have some news for you. 

Kitty. Oh, have you? Is it about Tom? 

Colonel. No! It is not about Tom. But a 
young man has called in answer to my advertisement 
in the Gazette. He is in the library now. waiting 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. ;[5 

for me to present him to his prospective bride, so 
prepare 3^ourself for the introduction. 

Kitty, (aside) Here already? it must be Tom's 
friend, of course, (to Colonel) What you tell me 
is very interestins:, papa, who is he? 

Colonel, (puffing up) His name? (looking at 
card) xVhem, listen to this — Mr. Augustus Bigpile. 
What do you think of that, eh ? Ever hear that name 
before ? 

Kitty. Why, yes, often, but surely it is not one of 
those Bigpiles who control the 

Colonel. Isn't it? Why of course, it is, aren't 
these rich people always on the lookout for a father- 
in-law with a title ? I tell you, Kitty, we are in luck, 
and if you play this tish right, trust your father to 
land him for you. 

Kitty. Why, you surely do not expect me^ 

Colonel. Young woman, I expect you to do as I 
tell you, now you" wait here while I go bring him in. 
(Exit left) 

Kitty. Well ! if this isn't a pretty state of af- 
fairs, Tom's friend is named ^' Watlcins/' Wallie 
Watkins, so this can't be him. dear, what shall I 
do? I wisli Tom were here. I just won't have any 
thing to do with this Mr. Bigpile, he must be a fool 
any way, to fall in with such a scheme as this one of 
papa's. 

(Enter Tom c. d.) 

Tom. Confound it, Kitty, I missed connections 
with Wallie in some way, thought I'd come back and 
tell you. 

Kitty, (holding up finger warningly) S — h, 
Tom! He's liere, he's in the library now with papa. 

Tom. He is? Wallie? 

Kitty. ISTo, some other man, who has come in an- 
swer to that horrid advertisement. 

Tom. The deuce he has? 

Kitty. Yes, and papa is going to bring him in 



]0 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

lio^ht awa}% and v,'e are to be introduced. dear, 
what can we do? 

Tom. {hlanhJy) Darned if I know. But look 
here, Kittv, I'm not going- to have any rich duft'er 
iuaking love to you. 

Kitty. Tom, Katy Brayton is in the house some- 
where, I was just going to hunt her up. Let's go and 
find her, tell her all about it and get her to receive 
this man in my place. What do you say ? You know 
that will give your friend time to get here, and it will 
also give ns time to get the whole thing straightened 
out. 

{Voices heard off l.) 

Colonel. Right this way. my dear Mr. Big]3ile, 
right this way. 

Kitty. (aJarn>erJ) come, Tom. they must not 
catch US togetlier, {Knter To:m — mils him off 
\x. L. E.) 

(Enter Coloxel and Wallie.) 

Colonel, {hows Wallie in, — does not notice 
nnrpty stage) My dear Mr. Bigpile, will you let me 
have the extreme pleasure of presenting you to my 
daughter, Miss Kitty Backup, (turns around — no 
one in sight) Hullo! what's the meaning of this? 

Wallie. (a^de — shaking head) Humph ! I 
kind of thought the old boy was dippy. 

Colonel. I heg your pardon, Mr. Bigpile, there i? 
some mistake, my daughter must have misunderstood 
me in some wa}', I hope you will excuse me a moment 
while I go and call her. 

Wallie. Certainly, Colonel, certainly. (Exit 
Colonel r. 1 e..) Well, of all the queer old chaps I 
ever ran up against, he is the limit. Wonder what 
kind of a mess Tom's got me into. And where in the 
old Harry is he any way? Well, in the absence of 
specific instructions I suppose the only thing to do 
is to go in and play this wealthy suitor business as 
[ promised, and let him do the rest. (Enter Katy 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. |7 

R. u. E. she has taken off cap and apron) (aside) 
Aha ! Here's the Maid-daughter, or the daughter- 
maid, I wonder which she is anyway? Guess it's up 
to me to take a chance, so here goes — (hirning to 
Katy) Ahem,, pray pardon me, but have I the honor 
of addressing Miss — er — Miss ? 

Katy. (dropping a curtsy) Miss Backup, if you 
please, and may I venture to ask your name and bus- 
iness sir? 

Wallie. Certainly. I am Mr. Augustus Bigpile. 
And I have called in answer to the — er — (aside) 
Hold on, how do I know whether she is aware of this 
fool advertisement or not. 

Katy. Perhaps you had an appointment with 

Wallie. Yes, that's it, an appointment with your 
father. 

Katy. (forgets — astonished) My father? 

Wallie. Of course, the Colonel, Colonel Backup. 
He is your father, is he not? 

Katy. (disconcerted) Why, Ha, ha, ha ! 

Wallie. (aside) I seem to be the contributing 
cause to a good deal of merriment on the part of the 
people in this house to-day. 

Katy. Shall I go and call the Colonel, Mr. Big- 
pile ? 

Wallie. no, not for worlds — that is, I mean it 
is not at all necessary, I can explain my business to 
you just as well, (aside) Confound it, how can I 
impose on a girl as sweet as she is, I'd like to know? 
To the deuce with the old Colonel and his scheme, 
and Tom with him. If the latter don't show up 
pretty soon I'll go in and cut him out in dead ear- 
nest. 

Katy. very well, (aside) Kitty must be mis- 
taken, he looks too nice I am sure to be lending him- 
self to any such a silly plot as this one she was just 
talking about, but as I promised Kit, I suppose I 
must keep my word and make believe I am the 
daughter, (she sits down) 



t*.; ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

Wallie. (also sitting doivn) Er — it's a nice 
jnorning, don't you think so? 

Katy. {trijing not to laugh) Why, I can't say I 
do, ivlr. Biofpile. Rnt I do think it rather a pleasant 
afternoon. 

Wallie. Yes, ah — that was what I meant, Miss 
Kitty. 

Katy. Katy, if you please sir. (she forgets 
again) 

Wallie. (amde\ Katy? yes, of course, Kitty 
is Tom's pet name for her, lucky dog. 

Katy. You were about to say ? 

Wallie. (hlanl-h/) Was I? yes, so T was. 
(aside) I wonder what it was I was about to say? 
Blest if I know. 

Katy. Yes, about the reason for youi- call this 
afternoon. 

Wallie. Sure enough, that's it. 1 was going to 
say that the Colonel and I understand each other 
]>erfcctly in this — er — little matter. 

Katy. you do? 

Wallie. very well indeed I assure you, he told 
I was to say to you that it only wanted your consent 
to the arrangements we haA^e already made to 

Katy. Arrangements? What do you mean? 

Wallie. Why, you know, about the — (aside) I 
wonder where that confounded Tom Trask is. 

ICaty. (aside) He is getting on entirely too 
fast, (to Wallie — rising) you really must excuse me 
for a moment, Mr. Bigpile, there is something — I 

Wallie. (eagerly — aho rising) Do not go, T 
beg; I wish 

Katy. But I must, (hurries off r. u. e.) 

(Enter Tom r. 1 e.) 

Tom. Why, hullo, Wallie, how^ the deuce did yov 
get here ? Where was you when I w^as at the Bedford 
a little while ago? I wanted to explain all about 
this matter before you started in, but it is all right 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 



ly 



now. Oh, by the way, did you see any one else around 
here ? 

Wallie. Gee, Tom, it's you for questions, guess I 
must have misunderstood about meeting you ; thought 
you seemed to be in somewhat of a hurry, so I started 
right in on your commission. As for having seen any 
one else round, why, T saw the Colonel, and 

Tom. {taken hack) You did? 

Wall. Sure, and I have already set the ball roll- 
ing. 

Tom. \ou've done what? 

Wallie. Pushed the button, — started the ma- 
chine, — don't you understand? Say, old chap, I 
don't wonder you are a little cracked over this affair, 
she's a peach. 

Tom. Cracked? What are you driving at any- 
way ? 

Wallik. I'm talking about Katy, ha ha I 

Tom. What? have you seen 

Wallie. Or Kitty, and I think I am getting on 
swimmingly. The Colonel will be tickled to 

Tom. (grabbing him) Stop, stop, for heaven's 
sake, or you will have me as crazy as you are, now 
look here — Did you or did you not, see any other 
man here besides the Colonel? 

Wallie. {wonderingly) Any other man? why, 
no. 

Tom. That's strange, (aside) He must be in 
the library noAv with the Colonel or Katy, now I 
wonder which? (the Colonel heard talking off e.) 
Whew! He must not find us here together. Here, 
Wallie, you go in there and wait till I can get this 
thing straightened out. (Tom pushes Wallie off 
L. u. E. — he rushes off r. u. e.) 

(Enter the Colonel and Kitty r. 1 e.) 

Colonel, (talhing to Kitty as he enters — does 
not notice empty stage) Now my dear, permit me to 
present my very much esteemed young friend, Mr. 



20 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

Augustus Bigpile (Kitty looks at him in astonish- 
ment) My dear ^Mr. Bigpile (turning) allow — Why! 
Bless my soul I where has he gone? 

Kitty, (aside) Poor papa, I'm afraid this bus- 
iness has affected his head. 

CoLO>^EL. (aside) Everybody seems to be doing 
the vanishing act to-day, but I'll find him if it takes 
a week, (to Kitty) Xow, young lady, you stay 
here till I come back thi^ time, do you understand? 
and I'll find out w4iere this rather singular young 
party has gone to, and have him here in short order. 
(rushes off L. 1 e.) 

Kitty. This is getting all mixed up, I wonder 
where Tom went to? and where Katy is? She prom- 
ised to meet this Mr. Bigpile, perhaps they are to- 
gether now, I'll 

(Enter Katy r. u. e.) 

Katy. (stopping short) Why, Kit. you here? 
where is he ? 

Kitty. Where is who? 

Katy. ^Ir. Bigpile, wasn't he here? 

Kitty. No, did you see him? 

Katy. I was with him only a little while ago, 
but 

Kitty. You was? then he really is here? 
what is he like? 

Katy. Oh, I thought he was awfully nice. Kit, he 
was so 

Kitty. Nice? Why, Katy Brayton. how can you 
say such a thing. The idea of anyone being nice 
who has no more sense of propriety than to answer 
an advertisement in the Matrimonial Gazette. I'm 
ashamed of you. 

Katy. (tossing her head) Well, as to that, Miss 
Backup, he may repent when he finds out his mis- 
take. You know he thought he was talking to you, 
when he was talking to me, and he appeared very 
much 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 21 

Kitty. What ? 

Katy. (smiling) Oh, never mind, dear. But 
.say. Kit, as everybody seems to be out of the way no\\'. 
Kit., as everybody seems to be out of the way now, 
why not try over our parts, what do you say? 

Kitty. I am afraid we will be interrupted. Papa 
is in such a state about this silly young man who is 
here. 

Katy. He isn't a silly young man at all. 

Kitty, {opening her eyes) Why, Katy, what do 
you 

Katy. Oh, bother the man any way, let's go over 
the parts, it will only take a minute for that one 
scene which we want to make sure of. 

Kitty. Very well, but we must have the cap and 
apron, wait, I'll get them. {Exit Kitty, r. 1 e.) 

Katy. And 1 must get my book. {Exit Katy 

R. U. E.) 

{Enter the Colonel l. 1 e.) 

Colonel, {looking around) Confound that 
young scamp. He's not in the library, I wonder 
where he is anyway ? Humph ! Kitty gone again 
too ? I see, she is not as much in favor of my plan as 
she pretended, and is trying to keep out of the way. 
But I'll show her that I'm not to be balked in this 
matter by her or any one else, she'll find out that my 
will is law in this house, yes sir, LAW! Ha! {rushes 
off c. D.) 

{Enter Katy, l. u. e.) 

Katy. {calling off r. 1 e.) Ivit. — Kitty, all ready. 

Kitty, {speaking off r.) All right dear, be there 
in a jiffy, I'm just trying these things on to see 
how I would look as the " Perfidious Maid." 

Katy. Well, hurry, {studies hook) 

{Enter Wallie l. u. e.) 

Wallie. {aside) Where did Tom go to I won- 
der? {sees Katy) Aha, there she is again. Won- 



00 ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

der what she ran off for? I'll see if I can't have an- 
other tete-a-tete with the adorable Kitty, {turning) 
Ahem. 

Katy, (startled — gives slight screaui — drops 
hnnl-) Why ^Ir. Bigpile. how voii startled me. 

Wallie. Did I ? Pray pardon me, my dear "Miss 
Kitty, it was quite unintentional I am sure, (picl-- 
ing up book) permit me to return the book which you 
just dropped. (Wallie infatuated) 

Katy. thank you. (drops her eyes demurely) 

Wallie. It is a play is it not ? ^[ay I ask if you 
are interested in dramatics? 

Katy. yes, awfully, are you? 

Wallil. Well, I confess I dn do something* in 
that line once in a while. 

Katy. Do you ? Why, how nice ! Did you ever 
see this? (handing tool', which both examine, stand- 
ing close together) 

Wallie. What is it? Ha. ha : Well, I'll he shot 
if it is not the '^ Perfidious ^Maid.*' Well, that's 
funny, ha, ha, ha ! 

Katy. (eagerly) Haye you seen it? 

Wall. Seen it? I took part in it just a little 
while aiTo. Didn't I do the false lover? I guess yes. 
(declaiming from book) "Ah, now do I know the 
feelings which permeated the breast of the man who 
said — " I would be happy with either, were t'other 
dear charmer away." For I love both the mistress 
and the maid, with a passion which will allow me no 
choice. Alas, I know not which I love the most " — 
Ha. ha ! 

Katy. (clapping her hands) Splendid, splendid, 
0, I wonder if 



Wallie. If what ? My — er — ^liss 

Katy. Why, if you would be willing to help me in 

rehearsing one of the scenes? 

Wallie. (in raptures) Would I? I should be 

delighted to do so. (aside) Gee! if Tom does not 

come soon, it will be all up with me. 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 23 

(Enter Kitty r. 1 e. She does not see Wallie who 
goes L.) 

Kitty. Xow dear, ho'v do / look as the Perfid — 

Katy. {aside to Kitty) Sh — h. 

Wallie. (aside) Hullo! who's this? Must be 
the real maid this time. 

Kitty, (to Katy) What is it? 

Katy. Hush, he's here. 

Kitty. He? Whom do you mean? 

Katy. (aside) S — h, Mr. Bigpile. He must 
not know you, you must make believe that you really 
are my maid, (to Wallie) Mr. Bigpile. this is 
my — er — maid, who will help us in the scene in the 
play, this is Mr. Bigpile, Kitty, a caller. He has 
very kindly consented to assist us in that scene we 
wore going over this afternoon. The " discovery 
scene" you know. 

(Kitty drops a ciirtsy to Wallie.) 

Wallie. Kitty, did you say? Why you are — 
(pei'ple.red) 

Katy. (confused) Did I say Kitty? 

Wallie. Yes, how is 

Katy. (laughing) WeW, that is her name. 
(hurnes on) She helps me with my parts when T 
have no one else, now Kitty, are you ready ? 

Kitty. Yes'm. 

Wallie. (aside) Katy Kitty, — Kitty Katy? 
What the deuce 

Katy. Well then, let me have your apron and 
cap, (they change) can you do the part without the 
book, Kitty? 

Kitty. yes'm I think so. Perfectly. 

Wallie. (aside, looking at Katy) Whew! "Now 
she is the maid again, this gets me. 

Katy. Mr. Bigpile, can you do that '' discovery 
scene " from memory ? 

Wallie. yes, no trouble at all. (aside) Gee! 
Here's a lark, — regular basket of peaches. 



•24. ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

Katy. Very well then ; Kitty, you stand here. 
( placing Kitty l. c.) and 

Wallie. That's right, and I here, (taking place 
in front of Kitty) 

TvATY. Yes, {consulting hook) that's the correct 
position. Xow T cro off the stage, you know, and my 
cue to enter is — '' You have made me the happiest of 
men." All ready? 

Kitty. Yes'm. 

Wallie. All ready. 

Katy. Then I'll go. {Exit Katy r. 1 e.) 

Wallie. {acting part) Alone together at last, 
and I can now call you my Queen, my darling, the 
one and only girl I ever loved. 

{Enter the Colonel c. d. He is siirpused, hut very 
much delighted at what he takes to he a real 
love scene hetween Bigpile. and Kitty. Bnhs 
hands — laughs aside. They do not see him. 

Kitty. If you really mean this, then I consent 
to your proposal, and will be your wife. 

Colonel, {aside) Gad! This young man don't 
lose any time, does he? But so much the better, so 
much the better. 

[Dodges behind screen from which he keeps peeping 
out.) 

Wallie. Ah, my sweet one, you have made me 
the happiest of men. 

{Enter Katy,. r. 1 e. during above line) 

Katy. Aha! And so, villain, I have discovered 
your duplicity at last, base deceiver of an innocent 
young heart. 

(Wallie starts — crosses l. Kitty clasps her hands 
in mock disti^ess.) 

Wallie. (aside) Discovered! Ye gods! Here's 
a pickle. As I can do nothing else, I will throw my- 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND 95 

self on their mercy, (the girls confront him accus- 
ingly — he falls on knees, and stretches out his arms 
imploringly) Ladies, I throw myself on your mercy, 
I love yon hath. I ivant you both. Fly with me to 
Salt Lake City, where we can 

(Tom appears — c. d. during Wallie's last speech. 
lie stops, doesn't I'uoir irtiat to iiial'c nf scene.) 

Katy. Monster ! ! 
Kitty. Ino^rate I ! 

Wall. No, no. Only a man with a he;^rt too bis: 
for one. Fly with me I say, and 

(CoLOXEL rushes out— tipping over screen. Tom 
runs down.) 

Colonel. "Fly" I'll make yon fly. you ia>cnl ! 
{grabs Wallie — shakes hint ) 

Tom. Yes, and so will /. (Tom and the Coloxel 
shake Wamje uj). The girls scream — cling together) 

Wallie. Hold on! Hold on. {gives the Col- 
onel a push, who goes doivn) 

'J'OM. {savagely) Wliat in tlniiider does thi^ 
mean? Explain, or ITl 

Wallie. {straightening lii nisei f out — angrily to 
Tom, — aside) Y'on fool^ can't you see I'm doing this 
to help yon out? and this is all the thanks I get for 
it. Xow rm done, yon can do the rest and be 
hanged. 

{During Wallie's last speech the girls have been 
helping the Colonel to his feet, he is very an- 
gry-) 

Tom. {aside to Wallie) By Jove, Wallie. I am 
an ass, and you're a brick. Yonr acting was so per- 
fect, yon know — leave the rest to me. 

Colonel. What is the meaning of this extraor- 
dinary behavior, young ladies? And you. you scoiin 



•)(; ADVimTlSlNG FOR A HUSBAND. 

til el I what have you to say for yourself before T kick 
you out of the house ? 

To.M. Oue iTiouieut. (^olouel Baeku]), 7 have soiue- 
ihing to say. and that is — that this is the result of 
your — er — whim of advertising for a husband for 
Kitty. And ])ermit me to tell you that you've had a 
nariow escape, a verji narrow escape indeed, for T 
know this man to be an impostor. His name is not 
Bigpile any more than it is Trask, or Backup. 

OoLOXHL. {ainrthd) What? Are vou sure of 
this? 

'Vo^\. -"Sure" of coiirfte. I'm sui'e, his name is 

1^-;- }WATKT><S! 

WATiaNS? 

CoLOVRF.. What, a low adventurer? 

(ToAi ntid Wallie exchange glancPA^ restrain hmqlt- 
fer with flifficvltji. ) 

Tom. Well as to that, you have seen. Now Col- 
onel Backup, be reasonable. Only think what tnight 
have happened if T had not happened to be here to 
show this reprobate up in his true colors. Let me 
beg of you to consent to my marrying Kitty, (takes 
Kitty's harid. Wallie ?> noa- astonished, he loal-s 
from one girl to the other) 

Wallie. (aside) Thunder! so Kitty is Kitty af- 
ter all, and the other one is reaJlif the maid. Here's 
a go. 

1\)M. And as foi- uiy being a i)Oor bank clerk, 
{Jaughs) you are mistaken, as T will prove to you 
later. 

Kitty. () papa, please consent, won't you ? ( tal-- 
ing his arm) 

CoLOXEL. Um, I don't know about this. 

Katy. (tabing his other arm) Yes, Colonel, do! 

Colonel, (looking admiringhi at Katy) Well — 



ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND 07 

Wallie. Tt will be very generous of you, sir. T 
am 

Colonel, (savagely) Shut up I I'l) attend to 
you in a minute, (to the re.^t) Well T consent. T 
su}3pose I icas a fool. 

Tom. {delighted) And will you stick to that, no 
matter what happens? 

Colonel, [with dignitg) Young man, my word 
is Lair, and when I say a tiling- T mean it. 

To:\i. [presenting Wallie to the Colonel) Then 
my dear Colonel, T take great pleasure in presenting 
my \ery dear friend and chum. Mr. Walter Watkins. 

CoLOXEL. {amazed) Your friend, what do you 
mean ? 

To:\i. Simply that we thought if we could show 
you bow this advertising scheme of yours would be 
apt to work out in practice, you would be willing to 
give it up. and make us both happy, as y(m have 
done. 

Colon i':i>. {yielding) Well, young j)eo]de. I guess 
I will bave to give in. 

(Kisses Kitty — shal-es hands irith Wallie.) 

Wallie. {taking the Colonel aside) No more 
trying to kiss the maid.. Colonel, {irinlt-ing) 

('()L0ni;l. {aside) 'J'he maid ? Ob. ba, ba, hei-e, 
{tal'ing Katy hy tJie hand) ^ir. Watkins, allow me 
to present you to my friend, and my daughter's boon 
companion. Miss Katy Brayton. (Wallii: crosses 
fo Katy^ 

WwA.iE.i aside) Cee ! so you're not a nuiid at all, 
(aside) 'J'hen here's where 1 win out. 

Katy. {aside) He seems a very nice young man. 
Of that there is no doubt. 

Kitty. Dear Tom, for this most happy end. 

All credit's due to you. 

Tom. xVnd my reward, is to have won 

.\ wife as sweet as vou. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

016 102 405 3 

2S ADVERTISING FOR A HUSBAND. 

C'OLOXEL. There's just a word before we part, 
I'd like to say, dear friends: 
Concerning matters of the heart, 
And troubles Cupid sends. 

You'll find such things will blow 

away 
If, as I'm now advising, 
You seek those troubles to allay, 
By means of advertising 

O:\rxES. For a husband.* 

Wallie Katy. Colonel Kitty. Tom. 

CURTAIN. 

(*The use of this line for closing is optional.) 



LIBRARY OF CONGRtbb 




016 102 405 3 # 



